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The Disclosure of Sexual Secrets
The disclosure of sexual secrets is one of the most common sources of tension and conflict for couples that are attempting to manage and heal from the impact of sex or porn addiction as well as other behaviors that cause infidelity (In order to avoid cumbersome referencing, the term “addict” is used to describe the person whose behavior causes the infidelity, though we acknowledge that not everyone is an addict but may still benefit from these guidelines). The clinical team at Kenneth M. Adams and Associates has incorporated our many years of experience with the “best advice” from trainings and colleagues across the country to guide the formal disclosure process. If done along “best practice” guidelines, the disclosure process can be a healing phase in the life of the partner, addict, and couple. The following represents suggested guidelines for the process of disclosing sexual secrets:
- It is highly recommended that both the partner and addict attend as soon as possible the BCP program (or similar early recovery program) prior to full disclosure. This program helps prepare and support the addict into honesty and transparency, so critical for the disclosure to proceed. It is also critical in that it supports a plan of sexual sobriety for the addict that reduces the risk of relapse while the couple works toward disclosure. It addition, it better assists the partner to manage the early shock and pain of initial discovery to support and prepare for full disclosure and to develop a self-care plan for post disclosure. Disclosures that occur prior to a solid foundation of education and completion of early recovery tasks are more likely to result in missteps and the possibility of extra stress, shame, and pain.
- The disclosure is best done with the assistance of trained therapists who guide the process. Therapists with a CSAT designation are recommended. Extra harm and trauma has been reported when disclosures happen at home under duress or panic.
- The formal disclosure process involves two therapists, one for the partner and one for the addict. A separate couples therapist is recommended to align with the best interest of the couple. The couples’ therapist assists in managing the outcome of the disclosure and supports the couple on a path of recovery and healing. The individual therapists for the partner and addict typically are aligned with the needs of their respective clients. Therefore it is not recommended that the individual therapist for the partner or addict conduct the disclosure on his or her own. When separate therapists representing both the addict and partner cannot be present to conduct the disclosure, the couples’ therapist is often the next best choice.
- While there are some occasions when a single incident of disclosure is needed early in the healing process (such as the threat of an STD or a public outing), preparation for full disclosure is the process that is recommended that couples worked toward. While each couple differs in readiness and willingness, the full disclosure generally occurs within three to six months after the beginning of treatment.
- Disclosure is not in replacement for individual therapy or recovery or couples therapy, all of which have separate goals designed to assist the healing process. The individual therapists will work with both the partner and addict to prepare them for the disclosure. Without adequate preparation, it is not recommended that disclosure go forward.
- The addict’s therapist will assist him to work on a written disclosure of sexual secrets that he will first reveal to his therapist. This early draft is NOT to be viewed by the partner. The partner will work on a set of questions that she would like answered. This list may require that the therapists discuss with their respective clients which questions that will be included in the disclosure. Written permission must be obtained from both parties. This list will guide the addict’s final draft. This is NOT a process to ‘catch” the addict in “forgetting” to reveal or address something from the past. This is a process that is designed to allow the partner to understand and have revealed to her the full extent of the secrecy and for the addict to live in transparency and honesty. The disclosure process works best when framed from a healing and recovery perspective as opposed to an investigative or interrogating process. The clinical staff at Kenneth M. Adams and Associates is committed to assisting both parties to use this process safely and respectively for healing and recovery.
- Following the formal disclosure it is recommended that the couple set up a clarification session with both therapists to address questions that may have arisen during or after the disclosure.
- Following satisfactory completion of the formal disclosure and disclosure clarification session, the next phase for the couple is for the partner to prepare and write an impact letter to be presented to the addict in a session with both therapists present. Participating in an Impact Zone/Letter group is recommend as a way to support and guide the partner in this process. The addict continues with his Addiction Recovery Group to maintain sobriety and work toward understanding and empathy. The addict may write an imagined impact letter (read to the therapist only) to help develop empathy and mange shame.
- Once the impact letter has been read, the addict prepares an empathy/amend letter to be presented to the partner with both therapists present. The impact letter helps guide the empathy/amend letter so the partner has an opportunity to feel validated in all critical maters. Again, this is NOT a process to “catch” the addict in “forgetting” something in his response, so it is essential that the impact letter be read before the final empathy/amend letter is completed and presented.
- Once the above components of healing are completed to both individuals satisfaction, the next phase for the couple is to outline and write a “new couples narrative” (or direction the couple will take). While the individual therapists will continue to support the healing and recovery process of both people, a trained and licensed couples therapist best guides the “new couples narrative”.
- It is recommended that that any disclosure to children be conducted separately and after formal disclosure to the partner. Disclosure to children should be guided by the best interest of the children and along age appropriate developmental lines. This is best conducted and guided by a trained therapist who can keep the best interest of the children at the forefront of the process. Disclosures to children done in an attempt to create alliances for the partner or addict can cause unnecessary harm and pain for the children.
- This is not meant to be a list of all possibilities or tasks that couples face in the disclosure and healing process but rather a guide for the most frequent issues that have been reported in the process. PLEASE CONSULT WITH YOUR THERAPIST IF YOU HAVE QUESTIONS OR NEED CLARIFICATION ON THESE GUIDELINES.