Cheating Spouses
You found out your partner has acted out sexually multiple times, either online or in person. You are hurt, frustrated, angry, and confused. But what is really going on? Is it being unfaithful, and cheating? Or could it be an actual sex addiction?
According to Dr. Ken Adams, Ph.D., licensed clinical psychologist and certified sex addiction therapist (CSAT), “the criteria for sex addiction almost always involves loss of control, consequences as a result of loss of control, and an inability to stop.” Just as with any other addiction to drugs, alcohol, gambling or food, the reward centers of the brain can be activated into very high states of arousal by being exposed to sexual images and encounters. Once aroused, sex addicts are compelled to begin their pattern of flirtation and seduction that builds until they act out, after which they experience deep guilt and shame. But no matter how bad they feel and how firmly they vow that it will never happen again, sex addicts cannot stop the cycle themselves – they are compelled to act out again and again.
In contrast, people who cheat on their partners by having multiple affairs are what Dr. Adams calls “opportunists,” people who do not have a history of sexual compulsion, but rather a type of character disorder. The value system in these people is not congruent with their behavior. They are willing to break the trust in their primary relationship and take a chance on a new sexual encounter, no matter the consequences. Lacking empathy, they possess no guilt and shame about their actions. They do not feel regret for having acting out, and are often surprised that their behavior has hurt others. Regardless of whether a sex addiction or a character disorder is fueling a person’s multiple affairs, the hurt, betrayal, and long-term injury to the partner is deep.
How can either of these problems be successfully treated?
With sex addiction, the good news is there are treatment and recovery plans available to help people stop their compulsive behaviors, and learn to live within healthy boundaries. Sex addiction recovery also includes treatment to resolve any underlying issues related to the behavior (such as childhood dysfunction and abuse) and learning how to attach to someone and be intimate with them in a healthy way versus “chasing the high” of the addiction. As Dr. Adams says, “When we see addicts who are willing to give up the search for the high for the opportunity to have love – now we have a recovering person.” Best of all, these people may become even more trustworthy than others. They are more attentive to themselves and to others, and know when they need to seek help to maintain their recovery.
In terms of treatment for people having multiple affairs who have a character disorder versus a sex addiction, Dr. Adams notes that “in those cases, we work in treatment to increase the level of ’appropriate shame,’ so we have them look at their behavior through the eyes of their spouse or partner.” This allows them to achieve a sense of empathy, and a sincere level of regret for their actions. In addition, as people who are unfaithful sometimes had parents who also had multiple affairs, an understanding of the system in which they were raised and the characteristics of their original family members can work to help them view themselves and their behavior with a clearer perspective.
If what you have read here sounds familiar, and you are wondering if your partner has a sex addiction or is just making an excuse to have multiple affairs, we at Kenneth M. Adams and Associates have the tools to help you sort it out. Contact us. There is help, and there is hope.