Problem Examples

I am a MEM of 33 that has found my mother to be so cruel at any thought of my independence I cannot function normally in my life and still have contact with her. With therapy I recognize her happiness is not my responsibility and can cut off contact. I am wondering if this action will be detrimental to the healing I have worked so hard to achieve.

In my experience, cutting off contact is sometimes necessary, in extreme cases, particularly where cruelty and abuse are present. However, before action is taken, speak with your counselor and project out your plan (into the future) to ensure you are comfortable with your decision.

I am a controlling MEM. I am learning to separate my rage from my wife. Can you give me a book reference for something to help me reconnect with my wife sexually? I have been very abusive to her and I don’t want to lose this marriage (my third) to the hold that my mother has had on me.

I do not know of a book specifically that will address this issue. Given the matters you raise, I would recommend professional counseling to deal with this. When we see repeated patterns of abuse and dysfunction, therapy is usually the course suggested. I respect your courage and honesty in facing this challenge.

Is there a book that discusses the same sex parent covert incest?

Unfortunately, there is not one specifically on this type of relationship. My earlier book, “Silently Seduced” and Pat Loves’ “Emotional Incest Syndrome” both touch on it.

I have a good family friend I suspect as being mother-enmeshed who talks about not having a yearning/emotional longing towards the women he dates. I’m guessing that this is because of the lack of mother-son separation. Can this yearning be recovered after a MEM sets boundaries with his mother? Does that become a common part of the healing process that he can have access to this drive, this motivation, to emotionally please a partner who is a peer?

This is a good question. It is common for MEM to have a lack of interest and motivation to pursue relationships. It has been my experience that MEM’s who do the therapy work necessary, including emotional separation from mom, can reclaim desire.

Do MEM change after the mother passes away? I’d like to think so as I am recently going through a horrible divorce with a MEM who couldn’t stand being away from his mother. His mother never came to our wedding nor meet our child until after my husband decided he didn’t want to be married without having his mother there. The mother gave her son an ultimatum if she was to be in his life. He seemed OK for a short while but then he felt loyal to his mother in the end. I often wonder what it will take for him to realize what is happening in his life. We are all products of our upbringing, so what will really change him, or will anything? I am conscientious that our 3 year old son will not grow up the same way or be influenced by was seems like a sick and incestual relationship between my ex husband and his widowed mother.

Yes, a MEM can experience some freedom after his mother dies. However, the long term ingrained patterns require more effort to break. Some, MEM do not change even in the face of repeated consequences. Guilt and feelings of disloyality can overwhelm. You might try to approach him with a caring request that he seek counseling to help him break free for himself.

I am a recently divorced 55 year old man. having read the article on covert incest, I now realize that I was a dual victim of this. Grandmother and mother. The males, were passive and weak. Is this common?

It is common to find passive men in relationship to dominant women who hold sway over them and their sons. They often find it difficult to contend with the woman’s need for control and may back off, leaving the son to fend for himself. In this case, the son is impacted by the mother’s intrusion and father’s abandonment. These situations typically require a professional therapist to help the men sort through the issues that result from this.

My friend, Boyfriend of one year , I believe has been abused and is a victim of emotional incest. How do I become the most important women in his life. How do I survive this type of mother and make my boyfriend aware. and his son who is 12 is being emotionaly incested as well… His first wife left him becasue her statment was he treats his mom like his wife. I need copeing skills

It is very difficult to change someone else’s behavior. I would recommend you focus on the person you can change: yourself. The best way for you to do this would be to seek out a qualified therapist in your area who is familiar with the dynamics of emotional incest and/or enmeshment. This would be the way to gather the coping skills you said you need. Good luck to you.

Is there a cognitive therapy technique for sex addiction ?

Sex addiction therapy typically includes cognitive techniques (as do the 12 step programs). A task based approach (like the one promoted at www.iitap.com) is the best approach in treating sex addicition. Cognitive therapy alone is not sufficient. A multi-dimensional treatment is required for a positive treatment outcome.

I’m a 21 year old woman, and have been engaged to my fiance for almost 2 years. We have a 10 month old son. I read your book, and am worried that i might be engaged to a MEM. He practically fits the description of Sonny in chapter 1 of your book, and his mom is a spitting image of Ruth. He tells me all the time that he has NEVER shared his feelings, even when he doesnt agree with something that is said. He can’t talk to his mom, because he is to afraid to hurt her feelings, or disappoint her. at times it makes me feel as though my feelings aren’t important enough. When i try to talk to him about these problems, he clams up and wont talk, and gets very irritated. He’ll start going off with things like; “i just cant do anything right can i” or ” I can never make you happy.” All i want him to do is talk to me, and also show me that he can stand up to his mom, instead of letting her treat me the way she does. He has told me in the past that he will do things just to make her happy, even when he doesnt want to. She guilts him into coming over all the time on his days off, cuz she’s lonely, or bored, but im never invited, because when she tells him to come over its always when im working. He is her only child, never married to his father, and was in and out of abusive, alcohol and drug related relationships when my fiance was younger. She was rarely home, my fiance basically raised himself, but she takes full credit for how well he turned out. Do you have any advice for me? Is there anything i can do?

Yes, based on your description, it sounds as if he has significant MEM issues and your cause for concern makes sense.

The most important person to see this issue is you. If he is unwilling to seek help with these issues, it is critical that you stay in reality about them and find ways to take care of yourself in regards to the relationship. Seeking professional counseling form a licensed therapist in your area would be a good place to start. Good luck to you.

Dr. Adams, 10 years ago, I began dating my boss after working together for over a year. We were 27 and 29 years old. We got engaged, then I got pregnant. He begged me to abort because we were in a small town and feared his practice would suffer and his parents would be upset. His mother was (still is) his secretary. He fired me after I got the abortion and we broke up. Flash forward 8 years later he looks me up on the internet. He never married he lived with his parents until he was 30 even thought he was a doctor at 26. We began dating again and fell in love..again. He won’t tell his parents. He lies to them about me when we get caught saying I am “stalking” him. I have read your book on MEM. Is this relationship salvage-able? He says he CANT commit to me cause it would cause too much trouble in his family.

Yes, it may be that he has a MEM issue. However, based on your question, my main concern is that you seem to find it difficult to take care of yourself and set boundaries that keep you from getting involved with someone who is unavailable and hurtful. Rather than focusing on his issues, I would recommend you seek professional counseling for yourself from a licensed therapist in your area.

How would you treat an emotional incest survivor in her 50’s?

The issues with treating this would be no different than treating someone of a different age. The only difference might be that there could be a greater collection of losses and missed opportunities than a younger survivor might have. I would recommend professional therapy in which one of the focuses should be on these losses.

Dear Dr. Adams, my husband has been in a sick addictive affair with a sociopath female 18 years younger than him. He does not want to marry her but calls her all day and has sex with her throughout the week. He says he is addicted to her? Is this possible?

This sounds like a compulsive/addictive pattern. I would recommend that he seek professional therapy immediately.

If he is unwilling to seek help, I would recommend that you develop a bottom line and seek professional counseling to help you take care of yourself.

I’m a 59 year old woman whose father just died. I have been in therapy for 16 years for major clinical depression, anxiety disorder, PTSD, alcoholism, etc. As the oldest, I was put in the role of “protecting” my father from my bpd mother. I am now having flashbacks – how do I know for sure if I was a victim of covert and/or overt incest? Thanks, Denise

These are matters that should be sorted out with your therapist. Good luck to you.

My father disclosed to me about having sex with a woman in a graveyard. He also told me my mother was promiscuous. He told my boyfriend, that I was just like my mother. Is this covert sexual abuse?

Having a parent share too much sexual information with a child can feel violating. Most people do not want to hear about a parent having sex, let alone about something they find reprehensible or disturbing. I can see why this concerns you and if it continues to cause you ongoing distress, seek out a consult from a qualified therapist.

I had an experience with a unknown massage therapist when I lived in China. I am confident that I have a sexual addiction and have started to seek help. My question resolves around this affair. In order to recover from this behaviour is it “mandatory” to expose this affair to my wife. I would answer yes but it seems like alot of pain to bring her thru when the root is my porn viewing addiction that drove me to act out.

Revealing sexual secrets to a spouse should be handled case by case and dealt with directly by a therapist so the best decision can be made. I recommend you seek therapy, reveal your secret to your therapist and discuss with him/her whether or not you should disclose the information to your wife.

What usually happens when the “Mother” of enmeshed men die? Do these men then feel free? Can they go on an have a healthy relationship?

This is a very good question. Typically, a MEM will feel freer, however, the internal template of how he experiences relationships with women will likely persist. In other words, normal relationship demands may seem engulfing or intrusive to him. Working on this with a competent therapist is the way to go.

Dear Dr. Adams, I am a woman who was the chosen child of my mother. She was invasive in some ways and yet rewarded me with the “privilege” of being the person that she did not physically or overtly emotionally abuse. I keep reading about relationships between children and the opposite parent. This is not my situation. To complicate matters, I suspect she has Borderline Personality Disorder and some professionals believe that she has Munchausen by Proxy; however, I have never heard of that in relation to mental illness. She did embellish and twist my medical history but she did not overtly make me sick. I colluded by not challenging her. It impacted me by how the doctors diagnosed and treated me. I can’t find any information on this type of situation. Enough about that. I read about the sexual dysfunction of the chosen children. More attention is given to the child with hypersexual tendencies. I have no sex drive and have a sense of being gender neutral. Is there a good resource you have to offer so that I can heal myself?

Hyposexuality, or loss of desire, can be a common experience in enmeshment. One possible resource is a book entitled “Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred” by Dr. Patrick Carnes. If these matters persist in troubling you, consult with a knowledgeable therapist in your area.

My boyfriend has cheated, he has an addiction to online porn and adds for prostitutes. He has even sought out hookers before we dated. He constantly criticizes me for my lack of education and career (I am currently in college) and he belittles me for almost anything. I love him and I want to help but how and is there any hope for him/us? He is aware of his actions and wants to change them but has not taken the first step.

Based on what you’re describing, it sounds like he has a problem that is not likely to respond to just “promises”. These behaviors may reflect addiction or character issues, or both. If he is unwilling to get help, you should seek counseling to help you sort this out.

What do you do if you are dating someone who is over focused on an opposite sex child?

I would recommend that you point out your concerns and suggest that he/she read “Silently Seduced” or “When He’s Married to Mom” and that he/she seek the advice of a professional therapist.

If he/she refuses, I would keep in mind that you will always be in competition with that relationship and would recommend that you see a therapist yourself to help you sort our your “bottom line”.

What can you do if you are dating someone who is covertly incestuous with his daughter?

Adult relationships always require that both partners be fully emotionally present and that they are each other’s first commitment. Often in covertly incestuous relationships, the adult is overly focused on the child and is not fully present to the adult relationship. If you are unable to take care of yourself and set appropriate boundaries for yourself, as opposed for “him”, then I would seek counseling to have someone help you sort this out.

I’ve been trying to sort out my “icky” relationship with my father; it was a total violation of my space and rights. Now that I’ve been exploring that, I feel certain that that is exactly what it was, emotional incest. Add his violent temper to it, and here I am, at 38, trying to get through it. My question: I am in yet another relationship with an incredibly sweet man who I have struggled to stay attracted to. We are perfectly compatible and great friends, and I am all over the map, happy one minute, flatlining about him the next. These are not unfamiliar feelings. This keeps happening to me in relationships (or I’m with a person with a nasty controlling personality…). Is there a chance I’ll level off? I feel like it’s unfair to subject him to my ambivalence, but I also keep wondering if I’m being skitterish because I’m so afraid of being responsible for another person. I don’t want to “break” him.

When a pattern of ambivalence is persistent over time, even in “healthy” relationships, then early childhood attachment history is the first place clinicians look to explore. With adequate therapy, you can expect and hope for changes in your level of fear regarding relationships. Good luck!

I just divorced an MEM whom I love deeply. Can the enmeshment be so severe it manifests as a cluster B personality disorder? Our marriage counselor feels strongly he is either BPD or NPD…possibly both.

There are a number of reasons for the development of a personality disorder-part biology and the remainder has to do with the quality of early attachment experiences as well as the presence of an abuse history. A person can have features or traits of a personality disorder without the diagnosis of the full disorder. This diagnosis should only be done by a trained professional. The two most common types of personality disorder features I see in MEM is Dependent and Narcissitic. When the issues of enmeshment are dealt with adequately, some the features will diminish.

Just found out about mothers affair, and I have been part of a MEM relationship with my mother. I have been never told why my parents were divorced and I have been told that my father is the one to blame for the marriage between my mother and father. I want to confront my mother about the affair she had 20 years ago and why she never told me or my brothers. I am in couples therapy with my wife and I have realized that my mother is trying to push a wedge between me and my wife. After realizing the life I have led I wanted to find out why my parents divorced. Should I confront my mother about the affair?

Before you confront your mother with these issues, you should seek time with a therapist to carefully sort out how you will approach the whole thing. A good strategy would be to discuss your concerns with her less as a confrontation and more as a way of letting her know your feelings and perceptions. Get clear on your expectations so that you won’t be disappointed in her response. Do so for your own healing, and again, with some guidance from a professional counselor.

Is it somewhat common for a man who has developed a sexual addiction; ie. compulsive masturbation with pornography, to also develop inhibited ejaculation when with a partner(female)?? Thank you!

Yes, sexual dysfunction is common in sexual addicts. Men who have developed an addiction to pornography become dependent on the image and “control” for arousal and ejaculation. Sometimes the dysfunctional condition predates the addiction. Individual therapy is recommended for both the addiction and the dysfunction.

I recently discovered the man I’ve dated for one year has been involved with many married women. Reading the instant message exchanges among them, and knowing he had phone sex as well had me shaking for hours after the discovery. I know it is an addiction yet I cannot help but take this personally. I didn’t follow my intuition when I sensed “red flags”…he vehemently defended who seems to be his favorite online married woman, stating that she is just a friend . I told him I thought it was weird, to which he responded angrily. Still, I stayed with him and fell in love. He states he is seeking help, but can I ever trust him again?

Anytime there is a pattern of repeated sexual betrayal the likelihood of further betrayal is high without appropriate treatment. People who have compulsive behavior like this would do this no matter who they are with. So, taking it personally, while common in betrayed partners, is not valid. It is not your fault.

I recommend you seek professional counseling to help you develop a plan of self care.